Remembered Pain
by terradog13
Summary: England was always hurt by America's independence. To get over it, he built his walls around his heart, to keep America from knowing how much he had hurt him. But now, the walls are starting to crumble. Will England be able to move on from his pain, or will he always be stuck in the past? yaoi. Will contain sex
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! I've been watching sooo many UsUk videos on youtube that I wanted to make my own story. It will probably be about 2-3 chapters. Enjoy!**

England stretched his arms up. He had just finished all of his work and had decided to go outside. It felt so great that he decided to just lay down in the grass, like he used to with America. He was just laying there, relaxing, when shadow passed above him. After a few minutes when it didn't move, he sighed and opened his eyes to find America's grinning face inches from his own.

"Hey dude! What are you doing out here?" He said loudly, hurting his eardrums. He brought his hands up and pushed the obnoxious nation away.

"Get away from me, you bloody wanker. What does it look like I'm doing, you twat?" He sat up and rested his weight on his arms. America shrugged and leaned back.

"How should I know dude, I'm not you." _I'm not you. _England flinched at those words, painful memories flickering through his mind. _Don't remember when you've just started getting past the pain. _America tilted his head and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, are you all right?" England smacked his hand away and stood up.

"I'm fine. Was there something that you needed?" America stood and grinned.

"I just wanted to give you your invitation personally."

"What the hell are you talking about?" America laughed.

"You know what I'm talking about." England glared at him.

"If you keep talking nonsense, I'm going to hit you." America frowned, looking genuinely sad.

"To my birthday, dude. It's the day after tomorrow." England frowned. _As if I could forget. _He looked up at America and sneered.

"I completely forgot. Besides, why would I go to your idiotic party? The decorations will be crappy, and the food will be atrocious. You can't even cook, I've seen your cake at Christmas. Besides, I'm busy that day."

"What the hell is up with you today? You never forget important events!" His sneer grew bigger.

"Well, your birthday isn't an important event, now is it? It's just the day when I got to get rid of a useless and pathetic colony. I don't see anything to celebrate there." England took a step back in surprise when he saw a glint of anger in America's eyes.

"Fine, then. I'll just leave you alone. Besides, you like being alone, right? After all, you drove off everyone around you, so obviously you'd rather be by yourself." England's mouth gaped open, shocked.

"At least I don't pretend to be a bloody hero. You can't save everyone." With that, he turned around and ran towards his house.

England sighed as he sat down on the edge of his bed. _Why did I say all that? _Usually, he would just accept and go and bear it with a smile, waiting until the end when he could finally go home and drink so much that he would be hungover for a week. He didn't dare drink at the country's party for fear of letting his thoughts out and of America finding out what he really thought at those parties, how every congratulation was another crack in his already broken heart. In the beginning, he had used to cut himself, just so he could feel something besides the loneliness that America had left behind when he had become independent, but eventually, he began to put up walls around his heart so that he could actually go on with life and forget the pain from years ago.

Distantly, he heard someone banging on his door. He sighed and put a bookmark on his place and got up. When he opened the door, he found a heavily panting America. He tried to close the door, but America wedged his foot in the doorway. He sighed again.

"What do you want?" America looked down at him, a determined look on his face.

"About what you said before. It's true." England scowled.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"When you said I can't save everyone. It's true. But being a hero isn't about saving everyone. It's about trying your hardest to save who you can, including the ones you love. I want to protect the ones I care about."

"Then I suppose you don't care about me."

"Yes, I do." For a second, England's heart fluttered, but he shook his head.

"No, you don't."

"Why the hell not?" England glared up at him, eyes filled with tears.

"Because you have never saved me before, and you can't save me now." As America stood there in shock, England pushed his foot out of the way and finally closed and locked the door. He turned around, resting his back against the door as he slid down to the floor. For a while, America banged against the door, yelling for him to open it. But eventually, he stopped.

"How am I supposed to save you if you don't even let me in?" He heard America say quietly. He heard him sigh and walk away. When he could no longer hear the man's footsteps, he tucked his head between his knees and began to cry.

**Yay, it's done. I'll try to update fast. Until next time! Please review! I like hearing everyone's opinions.**


	2. Chapter 2

For hours, England just sat there, crying. Eventually, he slowly got up and took a long shower. After he had gotten out and wrapped a towel around his waist, he looked in the somewhat steamed over mirror. His eyes were dull, almost lifeless, the emerald green now a murky swamp. He noticed the faint scars that covered his entire body from the many battles he he fought in over the years. He fingered one that the direct of his chest. He still remembered the day when he had gotten that one. One of America's soldiers had mistaken him for a human soldier and pierced him with his bayonet. He remembered the pain as it went through him. It had healed cleanly, but it still had left a scar. It was just one more reminder of when America, his beloved child who he had lovingly cared for and protected from the other countries, crushed his heart and ground it into the dirt. Sometimes, he wished that he could just take out his heart and hide it somewhere no one could find it, especially America, so he could stop being hurt. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed his old razor. He picked it up and flicked out the long blade. He sat down on the edge of his tub. He placed the razor horizontally against his wrist. He realized that his hands weren't shaking like they did the first few times. Calmly, he slid the blade across his wrist, watching the blood pour out and begin to cover his floor. In the back of his mind, he made a mental note to clean it up later before he succumbed to the forgotten pleasure of the dark abyss. For the rest of the day and most of the night, he would cut his wrist and black out again,until he regained consciousness, then he would cut himself again. When he came to for the last time, it was 4 in the morning. He washed off his arms and changed into pajamas, going to bed.

When he woke up the next he slowly got up and changed into some casual clothes. He was going to make some tea, but he couldn't find any packets. He sighed and got his wallet and keys. He locked the door behind him and walked to town. He was walking back home when he bumped into someone.

"Excuse me." He looked up into sky-blue eyes. _And I was hoping that this would be a _good _day._ He tried to step around him, but America stepped with him. He sighed.

"Please move."

"No."

"Why not?" America looked at him, serious.

"We need to talk." England arched an eyebrow.

"Oh? And why would I want to talk to you, wanker?" England brought his hand up to brush his bangs out of his eyes, his sleeve falling some. He quickly put his hand down, but it was too late. America grabbed his wrist.

"What happened to your arm?" Before England could stop him, he pushed up his sleeve, revealing the long, thin cuts around his wrist. He growled and glared down at him.

"What the fuck did you do?!" England looked away

"It's none of your business, you bloody git. Now let me go." England tugged, but America kept a firm grip on his arm.

"It is my business. Stop running away. You always run away when you're scared or unsure. I'm tired of chasing after you." England looked up at him, glaring.

"Then stop bloody chasing me. I only run away because I don't want to be around you. I'm tired of having to run away just so I can relax. Did you ever stop to think that I like to be alone? No, you didn't, because you're a imbecile. God, you're just as annoying as when you were a kid. I was relieved when you left. I didn't have to take care of your stupid arse anymore. Why won't you just leave me alone? You left me quite easily before, I don't see why now would be any different." America let go of him, his eyes filled with hurt.

"It was never easy to leave you, England. That's why I'm trying to be with you now. But you keep pushing everyone away. I...I care about you, England. I just want to help you out." He gave the smaller man a shaky smile.

"I want to be there for you, England. To see you smile and laugh like you did when I was a kid."

"_**Come on, Engwand, we're almost there!" England laughed as the boy dragged him by his hand to the top of the hill. **_

"_**Okay,Okay, what do you want to show me?" The boy pointed up, grinning. In the sky was a huge rainbow. He playfully put a hand on his chin and hmmed.**_

"_**I wonder what it is?" He crouched down next to America and smiled at him.**_

"_**Do you know?" The child puffed out his chest and cheeks.**_

"_**Of course. The hewo knows evwything. It's a raintie." England covered his mouth, trying to keep in his laughter.**_

"_**Heh, who told you that?"**_

"_**Fwance." England rolled his eyes.**_

"_**You should stay away from that frog. He'll do all kinds of pervy stuff to you, and give you his crappy food." America nodded.**_

"_**Well, we better go home, it's time for your nap." America pouted, shaking his head, but he yawned loudly. England chuckled softly and picked him up, carrying him home to tuck him into bed. As the boy drifted off to sleep, he murmured,**_

"_**I love you, Engwand." The man smiled softly.**_

"_**I love you too, America."**_

England smiled sadly at the memory. He looked up and into the eyes of the man the young boy had turned into. _He really isn't a child anymore. _America looked down at him, confused. He sighed, rubbing his wrist.

"I just...I just want to be left alone, all right? I don't need your help. I want you to go away. Can't you understand that?"

With that, he stepped around America. As he brushed past him, he heard America mutter,

"But I don't want to leave you alone." _I don't want that either. _He continued past America and went back to his house, now empty but for him.

**I updated two days in a row! I don't know why, but I like writing this story. Well, until next time! Please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

Once he got back home, he put the tea away and rushed to the still bloody bathroom. He quickly found the razor and sat on the floor, pulling up his sleeve as he steadied the blade and cut. He sighed in relief as he felt the numbing pleasure set in. All too soon, he was back. In the distance, he heard someone banging on his door.

"Go away," he muttered, not bothering to move. After a few minutes the banging stopped.

"Finally." He was pushing the blade into his skin when he heard a huge crashing noise and running footsteps. He sat there, still, as the footsteps came closer and closer until they stopped right outside the door. The hinges squeaked as the door was quickly pushed open. America stepped in and looked around at the blood on the floor, his eyes wide.

"What the hell?!" When he noticed England sitting on the floor with the blade cutting into his skin, he yelled, smacking the razor out of his hand.

"What the hell did you that for, you bloody git?!" America growled and smacked him.

"Why are you doing this to yourself, England?" England flipped him off.

"I don't have to explain myself to you. What I do is my business, not yours." America's eyes narrowed.

"It is my business. Whatever the problem is, I'm sure that we can work through it." His head rolled back, hitting the wall, as he chuckled darkly.

"You were always so optimistic. Of course, they do say ignorance is bliss."

"I'm not ignorant." England snorted.

"Sure you're not. What have you ever gone through? Have you ever gone through the pain of everyone you know leaving you, of the ones that you thought would never leave you crush your heart? No, you haven't. Hell, I bet you haven't even been in love yet, have you? You try to act like you're all mature, but on the inside, you're still just the same child who would wet his bed and run into my room and sleep with me." America crouched down next to him.

"Why won't you let me in, Arthur?" Arthur slapped him and quickly stood up.

"Don't you ever call me that name!" he hissed, glaring down at him as he bared his teeth.

"You lost the right to call me that when you left me and ripped my heart and soul to pieces! Do you know how hard it is, going to your bloody parties and congratulating you on your success on _leaving me? _To smile every time you're around, to pretend I'm fine until I can go home and drink so much that I forget that it ever happened! You're always asking me why I drink so much. It's because of _you. _It's all because of you. Why I drink, why I distance myself from others, why I cut myself, it's because you left me. I drink to forget, I keep others away so I never have to go through the pain of betrayal again, and I cut myself so I can feel something besides the emotional pain and loneliness. It's all your fault." Tears fell to the ground, mixing with the blood. He brought his hands up and covered his face, trying to stop them from falling. He heard the squeak of America's shoes as he stood up and he felt arms wrap around him and pull him close to a chest. He struggled and tried to get away, screaming and yelling at him to let go, punching, scratching, kicking, even biting his arm to make him let go, but America took the abuse silently, keeping a firm hold on him. Arthur, panting, his head against America's shoulder. He began to sob violently, his shoulders shaking. His knees buckled beneath him and he slid to the floor, America sliding down with him. America let him cry, holding onto him and silently comforting him. When he had quieted down, America pulled back slightly so he could look him in the eye and smiled softly.

"Do you feel better?" Arthur looked away but reluctantly nodded. America sighed.

"I'm sorry that I made you feel this way. I only left to make you proud." Arthur glanced at him from the corner of his eye.

"What do you mean?"

"When I was younger, I was always so happy when you praised me or when I did something that put a big smile on your face. I wanted you to always smile and laugh because of me. I left because I wanted to learn and grow and become as great a country as the one who raised me and say how proud of me you were as you ruffled my hair and grinned. I just wanted you to be proud of me." Arthur looked up at him.

"Really?" He asked in a quiet voice, not wanting to get his hopes up. America nodded. Arthur placed his hands on America's cheeks and gave him a small smile.

"I was always proud of you. I always smiled and laughed back then because I loved you. You were like a little sun, always brightening my day up." He removed his hands and wrapped them around himself, looking down.

"I stopped because the only reason that I did all that had left. When I was sitting there on the battlefield, all I could think about was the fact that I would never again hear your voice as you sang silly songs, or wake up again to find you sleeping beside me after you had a nightmare, or even see your smiling face as you told me you love me. I didn't care about the bloody tea, or even the taxes. I just wanted to always be by your side, Al...America." America stayed still, shocked by Arthur's confession. Finally, he smiled, pressing Arthur against his chest.

"You can call me Alfred. You never lost the right to do that." Arthur smiled and, unwrapping his arms from around himself, hugged him back. _Maybe my reason to smile has come back, _he thought.

After a while, they let go of each other, Alfred leaving to wait in the living room as Arthur washed off his arms, wrapping them in gauze. After he changed his clothes he went down to the living room. When Alfred turned around Arthur gave him a shy smile.

"Would you like some tea?" Alfred gave him a relieved grin.

"Sure, dude." They went over to the kitchen, Alfred sitting at the table as Arthur prepared the water and set it on the stove. Arthur took a big breath.

"...Thank you for not giving up on me. Even when I said such horrible things." He heard Alfred chuckle.

"Arthur, I would never give up on you. I care about you too much. I...I love you." Arthur's heart fluttered, but he ignored it. _He means he loves you like a child loves a parent, you stupid git. _He would never tell him, but he had fallen in love with the loud nation. That was why it was so hard when Alfred left, because it wasn't just the child who he had raised that was leaving, it was also the man who he had fallen in love with. He plastered a smile on his face and turned his head slightly.

"I love you too, Alfred. You were such an energetic and happy child, you were my one of my favorite colonies. I'm a proud father." He turned back around, but felt Alfred's eyes on his back. He heard the the sound of the chair against the floor as Alfred got up and came up behind him, wrapping his arms around the smaller country and resting his head on his shoulder.

"I wish that you would stop saying things that hurt me." Arthur shivered slightly as Alfred's breath

brushed past his ear.

"W-what do you mean?" He tried to put on a smile, but it wouldn't stop shaking.

"I don't love you like a kid does. I've been in love with you for so long, I don't even know. You said before that I haven't been in love yet. That's not true. I love you." Arthur's heart started beating erratically. He turned slightly in Alfred's grasp to look up at him.

"Do you really mean that?" He nodded. Arthur smiled.

"I love you too, Alfred. So, so much." Alfred grinned back at him.

"I've been waiting over two centuries to hear you say that." He felt Alfred put his hands on his hips, turning his body to face him as he pressed their lips together. Arthur stayed still for a few seconds, surprised, but when he finally processed what was happening, he kissed back. Alfred's lips were slightly chapped, but filled with warmth. They kissed until the need to breathe was too great, and they pulled apart. They panted, catching their breath as they smiled at each other. Alfred took a deep breath.

"There was another reason why I left." Arthur tensed, but nodding, telling him to go on.

"When I was a kid, I saw you as this huge nation, big and strong and invincible. But one day, I came back home from playing earlier than usual, and found you crying in your room. When you noticed me, you gave me a shaky smile and said that you were fine. I realized then that you weren't unbreakable. After that, I wanted to always protect you. But as I grew older, I wanted to keep you to myself, to lock you up so that I was the only to see your smile and your tears. It scared me. So I also left so that I wouldn't do something to you that I would regret later. I didn't understand what those feelings were then, but I do now. I truly love you, Arthur." A single tear ran down Arthur's cheek. Alfred frowned and cupped his hand around his cheek.

"What's wrong now?" Arthur shook his head, smiling, as he placed a hand over Alfred's.

"Nothing. I'm just so happy right now." Alfred chuckled.

"You're so weird, dude." Arthur snorted.

"Says the bottomless pit." They both glared at each other, then broke down laughing. Alfred wiped a tear from his eye.

"That brings back memories. We argue a lot, don't we?" Arthur nodded and grinned.

"Because you're always saying something dumb and then refusing to admit when you're wrong." Alfred scowled.

"I'm never wrong." Arthur leaned back, smirking.

"Oh, really? Have you seen any 'rainties' lately?" Alfred blushed furiously.

"S-shut up! I was a kid! They're expected to make mistakes." Arthur tapped a finger against his lips.

"I believe you said that France told you it was a raintie." Alfred's face brightened.

"Yeah! It was all his fault! He was the one that was wrong!" Arthur arched an eyebrow.

"You sure it wasn't you remembering wrong?" Alfred frowned.

"No way, dude! I'm the hero! I'm never wrong!" Arthur rolled his eyes, smiling.

"Fine, Fine. Now, do you sti-"

_May I have your attention please?  
May I have your attention please?  
Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?  
I repeat, will the real Slim Shady please stand up?  
We're gonna have a problem here.._

Y'all act like you never seen a white person before  
Jaws all on the floor like Pam, like Tommy just burst in the door  
and started whoopin her ass worse than before  
they first were divorce, throwin her over furni-

Alfred quickly took his phone out of his pocket and flipped it open, putting it next to his ear.

"Yeah?" Arthur rolled his eyes at how he answered his phone but waited. After a few loud agreements from Alfred, he hung up the phone and sighed.

"I have to go help with the decorations for my party." For a minute, he just stood there, looking away.

"Yes?"

"...Will you come tomorrow?" Arthur nodded.

"Of course." He stretched up on his toes and gave him a peck on the cheek. Alfred's eyes widened.

"I'll see you tom-" Alfred pushed his lips against his. He licked Arthur's lip, asking for entrance. Arthur, surprised, gave it. Alfred's tongue explored and wrapped around his own. After few minutes of passionate kissing, Alfred leaned back, a thread of saliva connecting them.

"That's a kiss." With that, he left, waving good-bye as he grinned a huge smile. Arthur's knees buckled and he slid to the floor, lightly touching his lips.

"Oh my." _With kisses like that, I don't think I'll ever have to worry about how he feels. _He blushed and slowly got up, taking the kettle off the stove as he finished making a cup of tea to calm himself.

**Okay, this was slightly longer than the other two. The next chapter will be the last, with maybe an epilogue if I feel like it. Until next time! Please review!**


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